A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
