I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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