if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
