The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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