i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
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