AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
