Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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