I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
