You work out of a Hotel?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
