Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
