just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
