I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
