can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
