I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
