It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
