The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
