so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
