I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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