quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
