Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I did not marry a roomba.
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