pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
