i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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