I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
