TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
