John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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