So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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