I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
