I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
