if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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