Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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