I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
