I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
