you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
