You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
