my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
