I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
