It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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