the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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