i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
