they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
