just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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