Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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