Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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