I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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