I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
