Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
