Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Success! We fucked roommates!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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