can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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