My liver just broke up with me...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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