I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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